Rejected To Greatness

God can do anything but fail. If things are not going the way that you thought, well it is not supposed to. Many times things will not go the way we want them to go. We have these preconceived notions, thoughts, and visions of God doing things like this or that. Then when they don’t turn out the way that we envisioned we become angry. Who are we angry with? We are only angry at ourselves. You are not angry at those around you. Well I have a confession to make. I messed up in a whole lot of ways, repented, then thought just because I did, that things would work in my favor. But didn’t it… It did work out in my favor just not the way I told God to do it…. realize I said told, suggested that God move on my behalf, after making a mess of everything, then want Him to move when, how, and as I say. Right now, with your self-righteous self you just said, “Oh no, I could never be mad at God….” or “I have never demanded, prayed hoping things would go EXACTLY as I see fit”…. You are lying and the truth isn’t in you. You may not have said these things in those exact words, but you have thought them. But I believe we all question God and His ability to move on our behalf. The word is plain and without a watered down solution. I was angry at God for not allowing my children to come home I was angry at God because my parents were not like others I was angry at God because they left me, hurt me, beat me, hated me, molested me. Lord why didn’t you help, where were you? Well he was right there all along.
In my anger, resentment, and plain ole’ bitterness I began to slowly turn my back on the only God who could truly help me. The bible tells me that I am more than an overcomer, I’m a conqueror, and that I can do all things through Christ, but I felt like a failure. I felt like I had failed in life concerning my children, my family, and especially my church I felt like I could do nothing right and t…hat all around me was doing well. Something has to be wrong with me. Everyone can make it but not me. Those were all lies from the pit of hell to keep me feeling unworthy. It takes time. People speak as though it is not that serious, or just pray it will pass and it will. But in the in between after going in but right before coming out of my situation I was in the middle. I didn’t know what to do, or did but was in a place of discouragement…… So I listened to Bishop Anthony D. Dixon who told me to believe, act like it is already done, praise through the process. So I got excited and though it hurt I still smiled and claimed that I was on top of the world. Was I lying, no but I was speaking those things that be not as though they already were…. I spoke to my existence, my feelings, my emotion, and my life. Marie Rucker once told me that I needed to master my emotion, because I was all over the place taking everything personal. Feeling and letting my feelings take over my mind. Such torment people of God… To be continued Part three on the way Praise in the process; God is working things together for your good
God is good…. We say it like it is just another cliché’. You hear it everywhere you go, “God is good, all the time and all the time God is good.” He is that and more, but for a long time I said these things feeling nothing. I guess you can say I was faking it till i made it, which was the suggestion of most I shared my real feelings with. I was upset that things just didn’t go as planned. I’m not just talking about the here and now but also as a child. Why did daddy leave, did mommy kick him out? Do he love me, does she just want me to suffer. These are the questions I had without proper information and being left with not knowing the truth led me to believe a lie. The lie of satan that made me believe that it was my entire fault that they were apart. I believed that lie for years and held a gigantic resentment for them both, and I hated myself thinking that it was my entire fault. Only to grow up and learn something’s in this process of mines that they could only do what they could do with the misinformation they had. After all they grew up with their problems, and experienced their own hurt and pain so they could only give what they had received.
Hurting people hurt people. Because they had experienced heartache and abuse in their own lives it made them be that way to me. I can’t speak for my siblings only for my thoughts and feelings. God was the only one that through prayer and experience could help me understand this, and until then I was in a lot of pain. I felt like my dad didn’t love me or wanted me, I still feel that way sometimes now. Having all these thoughts, daily I have to turn to my heavenly father and allow him to show me with the love that I have never really experienced. This lack of love coming up as a child, not to even mention what happened with boyfriends, girlfriends, peers and church folk, I am still in the process of finding out what it really is. I can only get that from the author and finisher of life itself. The God, who is love, will help me as I allow him to show me, and fill me with this unconditional love. I am excited because this lack of love leaves you feeling empty, alone, and afraid. How do you begin to let a God you can’t see love you? How do you begin to allow a God to talk to you, and you listen when all you’ve ever wanted to do was close your ears and your eyes and wish that it would all go away.
Well for one you just make a decision, everyday won’t be perfect, but you step out of the boat on faith and keep your eyes on him. It will hurt, be uncomfortable and lonely. After all, this is something that you have never done before. Don’t let people fool you. It will be challenging, but you can do all things through Christ which strengthened you…..
A lot of the things that I did, one would think I have an excuse to be angry, resentful, and bitter. If they would have only loved me so I could “feel” it, If only he would’ve loved me like in the movies, Why did she act like she was my friend and then stab me in the back, Where was God in the midst of it all. Whether being raped by your father, uncle, boyfriend or husband you did not deserve to be done in such a manner. I don’t care if you never finished high school, never received your G.E.D. or was talked about by the “popular kids”, God was there all along and seeing what you were going through. Again I ask the question why me? I learned in my life “why not me?” Gods’ word tells me that in this world there indeed will be trouble. We were giving a manual to follow to help us in learning how to cope with such times in our lives. But what about if you were not, and most of us, if not all have not received this because a lot of us were not raised in churches, nobody in our families were saved, or in my case on my mother’s side we have a lot of sanctified women and men of God. As you know we just couldn’t hear, until God came and opened our ears and loosened our stiff necks. God says, “This is not for you, I chose you before the foundation of the world to experience “this” kind of pain whatever your pain is because number one I know what is in you, I know what you can handle and I know that when I am through with you, you shall come forth as pure Gold…… I will be able to use you for my glory and not your own. Once I allow you to be broken, then and only then can I build you back up with my might hands so no one can take the credit and through you MY PEOPLE can be made whole.” God is mighty, Powerful, holy. And he is raising up a might, powerful and holy people to go through the storm, overcome, then strengthen, encourage and walk with each other, until we all come into the fullness of Christ.

The Balance

When I speak of balance my friend I am talking about a woman who is in the process of balancing being a woman of God as well as a woman of recovery. Now I am told to put my recovery first, then in the spirit I am told to put God first. Well, well, well!!!!! So this is how I see it God comes first, I serve no other Gods but the true and living God…. when it comes to worship, however, in the natural my recovery must come first. So yes, God and my recovery comes first. These are two totally different dimensions, yes?

With my whole heart God is the only God I call Him Jesus….I worship and serve only Him….No one and nothing else is to be compared to Him…..In the morning when I wake it is He who wakes me, talks with me and walks with me….He strengthens  me to walk in my recovery! He keeps me clean. With my will and life turned over to God, He helps me to recover one day at a time just for today!!!!!
When we say that we go to any lengths to stay clean, we mean that just like we walked rain, sleet, snow, and hail to get one more, than we do just the same to get to a meeting. We reached out to whoever was available to find the best dope, and we must with the same fervor reach out to another recovering addict and call before and not after we use. We get numbers and we use them, we go to meetings, we listen, we help, we identify and don’t compare. We read, write and get a sponsor, we use our sponsor…..We stay clean. We pray, we get a God of our own understanding. Mine is Jesus!
Same as should be in the body of Christ! We live clean from sin, we pray, we strive to stay holy. We fellowship with other like minded saints. We suppose to identify and not compare. We read, we write, we listen to the man of woman of God and we grow in the things of God…..We become of service in the rooms and in church…..We pray for each other, we help, we minister Jesus, we give back what was so freely given to us…
Now in the rooms they may think I do to much for Christ as in church they may think I do to much for recovering addicts idk. All i do know is there is no God without recovery for me, and there is not recovery without God……