In the process it can be very lonely, or is it me sometime I ask? Am I standoffish, funny acting, over protective of myself……In trying to be careful due to somethings that I have experienced in my past , makes me too over watchful of the people who I allow into my life. Especially family. Yes! I said it family….we tend to hurt each other the most, more than those that are our friends. I know that I have hurt family; my children, parents, siblings, cousins….etc…..We are so distant, again is it my fault? Our fault? Pains fault? Just different directions and lifestyles? It happens in families everywhere. When we hurt people we must become unselfish, and understand them.
Also, in my process of being delivered in the area of pain and loneliness, I am coming to understand that in my hurting a lot of people during my active addiction that it may be at first hard to be accepted fully. Yes, they love me and I love them….but sometimes I just don’t feel ready to be around them.
I think for a season, idk, I should give me and them some room to grow, heal, and change. I feel so lonely especially around the holidays, like now it is Thanksgiving and I want to be with family, but then I don’t. Am I isolating, or is God isolating me….That’s when I come to the place where I need to pray and talk to God more, cause frankly I have no clue how to live clean. I mean it has been 1 1/2 and I am just learning to cope with some emotional trauma. So, Prayer is the key for me….And to walk out on some faith. I walked out on faith to believe God could help me stay sober, work, and now go to college…..So I’ll keep walking…trust the process and live….